Friday Night

Besides the closest people to me, I haven't said much about my life here, in France, during this past week. I don't usually say much anyways except through my occasional photography, video, and these posts. There is something so impersonal about writing a Facebook status, that is actually meaningless among all the others, which makes it so unattractive. I believe in taking time to reflect whether it's my own problems or something as grand as death. Just remember that these are my words, my feelings, and my knowledge that are reflected here.

To start off. I think it should be an obligation as an ethical person to look around and find out as much as you can from many different places about a subject as insane as this one. I cannot tell you how disappointed I am with the lack of miscommunication in people's exchanges with one another as a product of media, but also how narrowly minded others can be just because their ego is bigger than their back yard. For now, here is how I lived the last week. 

Last Friday, I had many little plans that didn't happen. Friday is my day off from school so I try to work on my thesis, train multiple times, and simply try to do something I haven't had time to do all week (i.e. go explore new coffee shops in Paris). Time wasn't on my side so I had to make some changes; and so I chose to workout twice. By the time I was done, I was drained, no energy to do anything else. I decided to just go to bed early. Little did I know that staying up late was going to be inevitable. At first you tell yourself, "oh, there was just a shooting in Marseille, this is probably something stupid again...", but then you realize it is so much worse. Without rehearsal, my various groups of friends activated.  We all made sure we were accounted for and stayed up until everyone was safe. That's when feelings started pouring in. No joke, it seemed like deja-vu, sitting on my couch watching some unholy men killing and holding hostages; it was just happening again. But I had to get up early, so I went to sleep as fast as I could. Throughout the night, I realized that people cared for me just as the whole world cared for France. Thank you to all the people who did. Even if I was quiet or didn't answer,  I very much appreciated it. I think the next day for me was the worse because videos and pictures came out, I truly felt sick to my stomach. I felt like I was watching a movie. As the days passed by, my life didn't change much besides races being cancelled, security tightened up at INSEP, and it was all people could talk about. But I'm still sad. 

Everyone here knows that more will happen. Lets be real, I have been to more minute of silence events in the last year than throughout my entire life. With death and horror comes acceptance and love. People will live their life the same way, maybe with an additional look over their shoulder, and that's the reality of it all. There isn't much we can do besides hope and pray (for some) that this was the end of an atrocious year. All I can say is that you should always give the benefit of the doubt to the one's you don't know, whether they fulfill you or disappoint you, that is their choice. We have become a mankind made of help, assistance, and understanding, so why stop now. 

“There is never any ending to Paris and the memory of each person who has lived in it differs from that of any other. We always returned to it no matter who we were or how it was changed or with what difficulties, or ease, it could be reached. Paris was always worth it and you received return for whatever you brought to it. But this is how Paris was in the early days when we were very poor and very happy.” 

― Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast

Beaucoup d'amour. 

Here is a little film I made right after this all happened.

Would You Wake Up - Behind the Scenes

I'd like to start by saying that you do not need to go all the way to Europe or Central Asia to explore and have a great time. You can literally do that in the U.S. and still have the time of your life.

This summer, Emily and I decided to go up into the Northeast on a road trip. She'd never been and I can't ever say no to another adventure. Throughout this post I'll explain how I proceeded to plan this trip, what we did, and the idea behind the movie. Ok, go.

If you know me and have followed my little adventures, you are conscious that I do not plan whatsoever. I've had great opportunities due to the fact that I'm helped by an airline agent. But this time, I wanted to really make this trip special. It was special because no rowing was involved, but mainly because it was my way to show how much she means to me as we were coming up on two years of dating. Chocolate strawberries aside, I wanted to have no problems and just go with the flow as planned. I started by sitting down in a Starbucks and writing the entire plan down (cities, places to stay, dates, miles, time spent...). Caffeine hyped, I probably got 80% done in one sitting. I signed up for Airbnb, called people I knew, and made sure that everything was appropriately coordinated. I was really happy with myself because it's a lot more fun knowing what you are doing and where you are going than packing in the middle of the night to make a flight the next morning. Our biggest win of the trip was having a cooler with food and snacks; we definitely saved a lot of money and didn't eat at one single fast food...until one hour away from Jacksonville on our way home. Tip: stay with people you know, it's fun and doesn't cost anything but a hug. 

Our road trip started with a 7 hour drive to my friend Danielle's house in Wilmington, NC. Lucky enough, she was only leaving on a camping trip the next morning so we made it just in time. After a good night's sleep with her cat Sam, we woke up early and drove 9 hours up to Philadelphia. I can't thank my friend Nick enough for letting us stay in his apartment in Center City. We felt like royalty. From there we walked everywhere. I know Philly pretty well so it was easy getting around. We met up with some friends and explored the Magic Garden, spent 75% of our day in the Reading Terminal Market eating anything and everything, and just walking around at night taking pictures. After a few days, we took off and drove about 2 hours into New York City. I've been there a few times on short occasions, but this was the time to really take in the hectic lifestyle. Luckily, after our Airbnb failed on us, we were able to stay with some friends in Chinatown. Let me point out that Manhattan is rough with no AC during the summer. With three full days, we were able to sincerely take in a lot. From running in Central Park, to riding the Staten Island Ferry with an insane sunset or riding CityBank bikes for what it seemed like millions of miles to eating in some little restaurant at 11pm that blew my mind. At first I was a little annoyed at the chaos around me (especially the Chinatown stink), but I was able to go into tunnel vision and observe the beautiful things NYC has to offer. We then left extremely early which led us to Brooklyn for breakfast and a last view of the skyline. I felt relieved and accomplished, anything we did from then on was just bonus. We drove 4 hours back towards Washington D.C. where my stepbrother and his wife had just started moving into their new house. It had been a few years since I had seen them so I was purely in heaven just relaxing, eating good food, telling great stories, and sharing quality time together as a family. Something we hadn't planned was Emily's mom coming during the days we were staying there for a wedding so literally timing couldn't have been more perfect. After rejuvenating and keeping our hands out of our wallets, we drove 11 hours straight back to Jacksonville. There was not one moment where I thought, I'd rather be doing this with someone else. Tip: leave thank you letters wherever you stay, they'll like it. 

Onto the movie. I wasn't sure what sort of story I wanted to tell, but I knew I wanted to improve my shots and the way I perceived what the viewer could feel. With a lot of thinking, l decided to simply make it a dream. The entire trip is in chronological order with random black cuts that separate parts of the dream since you can never precisely determine the start or the end of one. The breathing is to let you inside my head, hearing my own rhythm as I experience the different cities. You can hear Emily's soft and whispering voice telling me to wake up as she is on the other side, reality, not knowing what I'm undergoing. And I finish with heavy breathing and fast cutting clips to let the viewer know that I'm finally waking up and my connection to the dream is cutting out. This leads me to ask you: would you wake up? Tip: keep all your footage, it will serve it's purpose when you least expect it.  

Much love.

My Favorite Blogs at the Moment

Any type of creative content will affect your perspective throughout your daily/weekly routine. Whether it's a favorite show on Netflix, a book series, or simply just some vloggers you follow on Youtube, that content will continuously mold you and your thought process until you switch to something else.

With so much sweet stuff popping up on Youtube, Instagram, Blogs, Websites, it is difficult to process it all and just pick a few good creators that actually make you feel excited. For me, when I'm hung up on an idea, I like to pursue it at 110%, which means I'm not just going to consume that content, but also use it to my advantage and actually try it out or research about it.

I really enjoy vloggers and respect what they do, but sometimes you need to take a break from just sitting there and watching, and instead actually read someone's heart-felt words whether it's them trying to teach you how to cook, bashing other NFL teams, or simply trying to give you an objective view on sports. So without further ado, here are my Favorite Blogs at the Moment (in no specific order).

Living The Healthy Choice 
Pauline is a German food blogger that I found through Jack Harries (JacksGap) who simply makes delicious food which is not only healthy and most of the time vegan, but also just brilliant to look at.

I've tried some of the recipes while I was in Florida as well as in France, and I've had nothing but success. The feeling I get while I'm on this site is plain comfortable and no pressure to have to make something; I like it! On top of all that, her Instagram is off the charts!
Go check it out @livingthehealthychoice


Prolongation Sport
This blog is not your average "here are the results of last night's game" website and is composed of some great minds. Before you click away, let me just tell you that it is in French but we are working to publish some articles in English as well. Yes I said "we" (not Oui!), because I'm one of the writers. This team is made up of epidemiology  researchers that just want to give you a new perspective on sports whether they are big to the public eye or not. The blog has started to pick up in the last few months and is part of the top 10 sport blogs in France (waiting to see who wins). For me, it helps you understand another side of sports that you rarely see while being simple and interesting.

The Spice Girl

Beth Kennedy aka the Spice Girl is someone from my hometown who has completely evolved over the last year ever since she's been to Spain. At first, her genuine love for food and travel caught my eye and I knew that she would slowly but surely write some truly interesting pieces. The passion she has for the food she presents is most likely fueled by a San Sebastian wood oven fire. Even the simplest recipes look outstanding and make me hungry in class. Don't take your eyes off of her, because she might take off without you. Might I add that her Instagram is pretty neat too.

Go check her out @spiceeeegirl and give her some love.

The Honest Phin

A few weeks ago, my friend Matt wanted to scribble down some honest feelings about his Dolphins. Like most Miami Dolphin fans, he's disappointed year after year so what better way to blow off some steam than roasting his favorite seafood. I'm honestly amazed about how that team has been playing lately, but knew right away that he would kill it on his blog. His writing is almost like a great american comedy movie featuring Matt and his team. The plain-spoken words and the lack of self control to cuss out whoever isn't up to par is hilarious and truly lets all his buddies enjoy a good 5 mins of head nodding before and after each game. Even if you don't care about Miami or the NFL in general, it's still something you should see! 

At the moment, these are the creators that have caught my eye and have been part of my routine. I'm not going to lie, I have a million more Youtube videos and Netflix episodes to watch, but that comes nowhere near the pure enjoyment I get from these people's words. 

Much love

No Pressure

When you take a few steps back, talk to people, and realize where you stand, life makes more sense and paths start clearing out for you; it's up to you to choose which one you want to take.

Lets just put it out there...last year was simply appalling! I learned a lot about myself physically and mentally, but the results were nowhere near expectations nor a reflexion of my work. I'm sure I am not the only one in this world that complains about this, which means I'm not that special and I should quit while I'm ahead...complaining wise. 

Here is the "goals versus results" list:

- Qualification for small boats French Nationals --> did not qualify (sick)

- Podium at French Nationals --> C final

- Race at US trials --> did not race (missing ECG report + fine)

Before I finish this point, I'd like to mention that USRowing should not tell 4 days before racing that a rower is missing an ECG report when they have been entered for 2 weeks.

It's always about analyzing what you can change to be or do better in the future. By talking with people that are outside your bubble, you can establish what it is that went wrong and/or right. For me, I've pinpointed the fact that I'm a smaller rower and I don't have extraordinary physical capacities, but I have a lot of heart and passion. So instead of ruining my days worrying about how I'm going to do on this test or how much of this and that I have put in, I've learned how to not care and just see where my work takes me; NO PRESSURE. 

This summer I lifted as many times as I wanted, I ate what I wanted, and I had fun like I wanted without worrying about how these things might affect me. I believe that this will help with how I train and perceive the sport. I'm not giving up, but I am changing my philosophical and mental game for this year. 

This fall is looking pretty fun starting with Sprint Nationals (500m) in the 8+ and going right back into the 1x for some fall racing. I can't wait to see some improvements that I have made technically and physically. 

Until then, check out some of the fun I've had in the last 6 months.

Much love. 

When you get comfortable...

In my last post, I kept my thoughts very broad and didn't go too much into detail about my training and goals so this will clear things up.

During the summer, while I'm taking a break, I think of what I would like to accomplish or what has been missing that could make me happier inside, even if its slightly unrealistic. Don't we all love underdogs?! So as I turned in my application for my master's program, my athletic goals were brought up: what do you plan on accomplishing in the next year? With that question I decided to create two groups because fixating on one goal is mentally grueling especially if you don't succeed. 

As a primary goal I wanted to win the French National Championships with my teammates in whatever category because that's a medal I haven't really been able to attain. To do so, a lot of training needed to be done due to the high level of the leading guys on our team. 

My secondary goal was to qualify for small boat nationals in the single and perform as well as I could against the elite. If that were to be a success, university national team spots would be in contention. 

So I'll recap how my current status holds up next to these goals. 

With a lot of good training and pushing myself to row the single as well as I could (a lot of technical changes were made), I felt confident I could contend with the best during the week leading up to the regional qualifiers. Knowing that only the top 10 could qualify (the top 4 were preselected and given a free pass due to their elite status and spot on the national team) which left truly only 6 spots behind them, it made things very interesting and exciting. As much as we try to keep ourselves healthy, somethings are out of our control and that Thursday I got the stomach flu. Of all times right... But I still decided to go down the course feeling awful just to tell myself the last 6 months of training by myself weren't for nothing. I actually believe that I was more upset than sick when I got home and lets just say I spent 5 days in and out of the bathroom... 

Now I'm left with an entire goal that I couldn't even give a try at; so disappointing. With these slight dark moments, some rays of light do poke through. Some of my teammates and I bit the bullet and took an 8 hour bus ride from Paris to London in the middle of the night to spend an entire day in London for my birthday. Why London? Because that day was the BNY Mellon Boat Race and if you know me well, I'm a fangirl! What an amazing experience and a wonderful way to spend my 24th birthday.

Onto the next goal. As much as I trained and was complimented on the work I was putting in, things felt neutral leading up tot his week. On Wednesday, we had a meeting to announce the lineups for Nationals. To my eyes, I wasn't well taken into consideration for the results I had put out, but you can't always fight the system , which leaves me now in the second boat: the quad. I'm not going to lie, the first 24 hours, every scenario and negative thought rampaged through my head, but I learned to accept my faith. It's not the first time this has happened and I am sure it won't be the last. With acceptance, I face a new challenge. The quad this year is predicted to be an extremely hard event but that truly doesn't scare me because who doesn't love an underdog, right? And this is actually fitting for the upcoming months. 

On Sunday morning we leave for a week training camp in the South of France and I plan to make my body hate me, in other words put in a lot of good strokes and hard ones too. After Nationals are over, I'll be heading back to Jacksonville in June to finally join Emily after a very long wait and to pick back up where I left off with the single. I'll be transferring from a Filippi into my Hudson and I have no doubt that it won't make the slightest of differences. I have a few quality races I'm planning on attending but I'll keep that to myself for now. 

We can plan all we want, nothing happens as designed. You might read this and think "Well everything went down the drain for him..." but to me it's all part of a larger picture that needs obstacles for the biggest reward. 

Much love. 

New Chapter

This year, 2015, will stay in the history as one of the worst beginnings for France. It's been a sad week and I can't stop thinking about what I would like to do with my life and what I want to accomplish. I think writing my thoughts down again will help continue fueling my experiences, and allowing my friends and family to endure what I go through, good and bad, because life seems to be stopping at every corner lately.

I haven't looked at this page in a very long time and it's been a true walk down memory lane. Has it been that long? All I know is it's all very different.

I have started a new chapter in my life, similar to the previous one, but in a very different context.
If you haven't noticed yet, I live in Nogent-sur-Marne, France where I grew up and left when I was fifteen. I chose this specific place for multiple reasons: to reach goals I had set before graduating college.

The main reasons for coming back to France and putting my "American life" on hold are a step in the right direction to get closer to my dreams in every area of my life.

In academics, school was a tough decision because I couldn't find an institution in the U.S. that satisfied my interests in exercise science and wasn't going to leave me like many of my fellow graduates: broke. Luckily, a few minutes away from home is the mecca of elite sports, INSEP (National Institute of Sport, Expertise, and Performance), where a master's program caught my attention and I was able to make the cut to be part of the small class accepted. On another note, school in France is practically free compared to the U.S.
Training has never left my thoughts for one moment even while I took a long break this past summer to clear my mind, enjoy my life, and reboot for what seems to be a fast pace year. With only one thing one my mind, getting faster has become an obsession, and my Filippi single that is currently drying from my last session has been my best friend and confidant while I put in long hours fixing small details to find more speed.  After what I will most likely call one of the worst experiences of my life, I could only choose to go forward and up. A small hint, I believe I was unjustly thrown away by the very same program I gave everything to, but that is all in the past now. Things are the opposite at the moment. Here, I am able to walk to practice within 1 minute (I live next door), have an entourage of skilled and willing athletes and coaches to help me surpass every limit, and I am lucky enough to be trusted with someone else's quality equipment.

After reading this you might think, "Damn, that's a lot of I's!" and I agree with you, but it is for a dreamy reason. I have been part of a team and school the entire time I was in Florida so that being said, I'd like to focus on myself and discover what I can do.
For now I'll leave it to that as I have had time to adjust to my new surroundings and getting close to very important regattas.

Growing up here around Olympians and elite level athletes from all sports, INSEP has been an important place in my family's life. Being part of this tight nit family is very exceptional as my mom trained there too so it is extremely upsetting to watch such amazing athletes and champions lose their lives in a tragic accident that still seems surreal. Rest in peace Alexis Vastine, Camille Muffat, Florence Arthaud


Much love.